2:07 AM. Monday, July 28, 2008. It's been a long day.

I sit in my bedroom, mixed feelings tearing at me in different ways. The days events had unfolded so quickly that I didn’t really know how to take it all in. My grandmother that I had never been really fond of, might not even make it through the night after having a stroke.
There were little things to be happy about. For one, she remembered who I was when she didn’t even remember her daughter. Secondly, I made her laugh. And third, she isn’t in any pain.
There of course are many things to be sad about. One, she didn’t really get to see me grow up, even though she feared the day I started to drive. Two, I probably shouldn’t have said some of the things I did or feel the way I felt towards her. Third, I should’ve spent more time with her.
Time. Such a small word can cause so much pain and suffering. We never seem to have enough of it. I guess, it’s true in a way, how you don’t realize what you have until it’s literally ripped away from you. I’ve realized that today I am loosing the one person who always understood me in her own way. I’m loosing my grandmother and my mom is slowly crippling in the process.
It is odd, to watch the one person who has always been your rock, cripple because she has no one to lean on herself. It’s odd to watch your mother grieve over someone who hasn’t really died yet, and for someone that we used to joke about her dying; saying how it never would come too quickly.
Regret. I regret those words. Regret toying around with the idea of death, for we are loosing another human life; one that if I had cherished a little more, I probably would’ve gotten more out of it.
Pain. She says she isn’t in any. But I can never be sure.
Fear. She says she isn’t scared to die, oh how I envy her. She seems completely fine with the situation. She isn’t scared about where she’s going; she’s 100% sure about where she’s going and that place has no pain at all.
Better off. Either way whatever happens, she’ll be better off. Whether it’s the success of the surgery or leaving the earth for a better place; she’ll be better off with whatever happens.
And I think right now, that’s all that I need to think about. That she’ll be happier with either thing that happens.
Grieving. Yes, I am grieving for her. More that I originally thought I would. It’s odd to realize just how much you care for someone you’ve disliked for many years. In a way, disliking them, I a form of loving them to the fullest; because you focus all of you time and energy into focusing on them.
I don’t hate her. I love her. I will be sad if she goes. But I’ll be happy that she’s in a better place. Whatever awaits us in the sky, I know that we’ll be happy. And that’s all I can ask for in this situation. That wherever she ends up, she’ll be happy.