2:07 AM. Monday, July 28, 2008. It's been a long day.

I sit in my bedroom, mixed feelings tearing at me in different ways. The days events had unfolded so quickly that I didn’t really know how to take it all in. My grandmother that I had never been really fond of, might not even make it through the night after having a stroke.
There were little things to be happy about. For one, she remembered who I was when she didn’t even remember her daughter. Secondly, I made her laugh. And third, she isn’t in any pain.
There of course are many things to be sad about. One, she didn’t really get to see me grow up, even though she feared the day I started to drive. Two, I probably shouldn’t have said some of the things I did or feel the way I felt towards her. Third, I should’ve spent more time with her.
Time. Such a small word can cause so much pain and suffering. We never seem to have enough of it. I guess, it’s true in a way, how you don’t realize what you have until it’s literally ripped away from you. I’ve realized that today I am loosing the one person who always understood me in her own way. I’m loosing my grandmother and my mom is slowly crippling in the process.
It is odd, to watch the one person who has always been your rock, cripple because she has no one to lean on herself. It’s odd to watch your mother grieve over someone who hasn’t really died yet, and for someone that we used to joke about her dying; saying how it never would come too quickly.
Regret. I regret those words. Regret toying around with the idea of death, for we are loosing another human life; one that if I had cherished a little more, I probably would’ve gotten more out of it.
Pain. She says she isn’t in any. But I can never be sure.
Fear. She says she isn’t scared to die, oh how I envy her. She seems completely fine with the situation. She isn’t scared about where she’s going; she’s 100% sure about where she’s going and that place has no pain at all.
Better off. Either way whatever happens, she’ll be better off. Whether it’s the success of the surgery or leaving the earth for a better place; she’ll be better off with whatever happens.
And I think right now, that’s all that I need to think about. That she’ll be happier with either thing that happens.
Grieving. Yes, I am grieving for her. More that I originally thought I would. It’s odd to realize just how much you care for someone you’ve disliked for many years. In a way, disliking them, I a form of loving them to the fullest; because you focus all of you time and energy into focusing on them.
I don’t hate her. I love her. I will be sad if she goes. But I’ll be happy that she’s in a better place. Whatever awaits us in the sky, I know that we’ll be happy. And that’s all I can ask for in this situation. That wherever she ends up, she’ll be happy.

What's in a writer's bag?

Ok, this is a good question that people normally ask me. Well, I can't speak for all writers, because, well, we're all different. For me, I have an array of different things that take up my laptop case (it's huge and holds absolutely everything i need).
First, in the small little pockets I keep:
1) my iPod
2) my cell phone
3) a small notebook that I keep small notes in

Secound, in the main compartment I keep:
1) my laptop [duh]
2) my laptop charger [another duh]
3) and four larger notebooks with small notes that no one but me understands. maybe one of these day's I'll post a page up :)

Third, in the rest of the bag I:
1) keep pencils/eraser/red pens in the pen/pencil area
2) gum to keep my mouth busy (normally the orange trident YUM!)
3) and tissue for when i get to a sad scene

Yeah. You may not care about what I keep in my bag, but I'm writing it down anyway. I'm editing my MS now so there isn't much left to say about it. I've taken out about 100 words... but that's all I have to report.

Also, i'm writing another book, for leisure purposes right now. I might post that up at some point.

N/E way, i have to go :)

As of 5:06pm on July 25th, 2008

I have finished typing up my manuscript. Now with just a few runthrews for editing purposes and a couple print outs of my finished query letter, everything will be ready to send of to a potential publisher. I am soooo ecstatic about everything and I'm glad it's all working out well for me.
With the end of my book, I've ended up finishing deciding some of the cast for a someday potential right now just inside my head movie. In a couple posts ago I showed you some of the characters. Well, I'm too lazy to look back at what ones I posted so I'm just going to post them all :)

1. Phoebe Stanton


2. Daniel Potter


3. Castor Fletcher


4. Audrey Cross


5. Chuck Johnson


6. Victor Radcliff


7. Damian Cross


8. Gabriel Radcliff


9. Augustus Fletcher


10. Jessamine Cross


11. William Cross


12. Laura Mellow [Phoebe's Mom]


13. Ciana "CC" Johnson


14. Jason [except he's missing the damn blue eyes!]


15. Blake Cross

Playlist

hello everyone... I've been thinking alot about a playlist for the book. Wells so far I have a couple songs that describe the book:

1. Papercut - Linkin Park
2. Just Dance - Lady Gaga (this is just a generic party song)
3. Whispers in the Dark - Skillet
4. Better then Drugs - Skillet
5. When the Light are Down - Kamelot
6. Imaginary - Evenescence
7. Walking on Air - Kerli
8. Peices - Red
9. Prelude 12/21 - AFI
10. Slow Down - The Academy Is
11. This is For Keeps - The Spill Canvas
12. Trouble - Coldplay
13. Pulling our Weight - The Radio Dept.
14. Speechless - The Veronicas
15. Monster - Meg & Dia
16. By Myself - Linkin Park
17. Not Gonna Get Us - T.A.T.U.
18. Bloody Pleasures - Blutengel
19. House of Wolves - My Chemical Romance
20. Falling in the Black - Skillet
21. Outta My Head (Ay Ya Ya) - Ashley Simpson
22. Hourglass - The Hush Sound
23. Thunder (Acoustic) - Boys Like Girls
24. All Over You - The Spill Canvas
25. The Kill - 30 Seconds to Mars
26. Talk - Coldplay
27. Clocks - Coldplay
28. Enemies - Ryan Cabrera
29. Never too Late - Three Days Grace
30. Time is Running Out - Muse
31. For the Love of the Game - Pillar
32. Lithium - Evanescence
33. The Cross - Within Temptation
34. Echo - The Hush Sound
35. Fix You - Coldplay
36. A Dangerous Mind - Within Temptation
37. The Howling - Within Temptation
38. A Dark Congregation - The Hush Sound
39. Godspeed - Anberlin [fight scene music]
40. Paperthin Hymn - Anberlin
41. Shadow of the Day - Linkin Park
42. I'm Here [Sam998899's 551 Mixshow] - Aly and AJ
43. Comatose - Skillet
44. Silver and Cold - AFI
45. Already Over - Red
46. Everybody's Fool - Evanescence
47. Bulletproof - Kerli
48. Leavin - Jagstar
49. We are Your Friends - Justice vs Simian
50. March of Mephisto - Kamelot
51. Love Like Winter - AFI
52. Numb - Linkin Park
53. Animal I have Become - Three Days Grace
54. I wasn't Prepared - Eisley
55. How I could just Kill a Man - Charlotte Sometimes
56. You are the Moon - The Hush Sound


So yeah, that's the playlist. I'll try get a playlist.com thing up soon so you can hear the songs.
layta!

My Book: Actors/Actresses

Like any writer I have to have some kind of image in my head about what I want my characters to look like. Some are based off of people I know, but that's just personality, not technically looks. Though for some lucky few it's both. For those who don't have the looks based off of them, well I have replacements. I like to call these people my 'hamsters'. Every now and then I'll be watching a movie and one character (well, actor or actress) will remind me sooooo much about one of my characters that I have to temporarily cast them in my movie (the one in my head). So, today I'm going to post who some of those actors are.

First things first. There are a few characters that ya'll haven't read about yet, so please don't ask questions in the comments. I'm not going to explain who they are, you're going to have to wait. So, let's begin.

1. Augustus Fletcher


2. William Cross


3. Ciana "CC" Johnson


4. Blake Cross


That's all for now. I'll keep posting who's who sooner when I find the perfect people. Ciao